


true colors

by hesitant_Jupiter



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, M/M, Self-Harm, Songfic, good kleinphy content, i love these boys, mention of suicidal thoughts, this took me longer than it shouldve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 05:18:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15308319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hesitant_Jupiter/pseuds/hesitant_Jupiter
Summary: kleinphy songfic based on the song true colors by cydni lauper!!





	true colors

**Author's Note:**

> TW: self harm, kinda bullying, and suicidal thoughts.
> 
> this took me really long for some reason and it was gonna be longer but i was out of inspiration

_ you with the sad eyes. _

 

       Connor had always had sadness laced in his eyes. It was something that has always been a part of him. He definitely doesn't like it, but he's learned to live with it. 

 

       Jared is always worried about Connor. He'll be all smiles, but he looks so sad. It takes Jared quite a bit to realize what it is that makes him look like this. Then, one day, it hit him. It's his eyes. They're sad, but beautiful, Jared thinks. The contrast of brown against the sea of silver-blue makes Jared feel at home.

 

_ dont be discouraged. _

 

       Jared is filled from top to bottom with insecurities. He has never actually felt one hundred percent okay with himself. Some days, it's so bad that he doesn't go to school. He won't even leave his room.

 

        On days like this, Jared will send a text to Connor. Connor will take the day off as well, spending it with Jared. They'll lay in bed for the whole day, Connor trying to give Jared a little bit of courage. 

 

_ oh, i realize, it's hard to take courage. _

 

       It can be hard for both Jared and Connor to leave their homes some days. Connor will lay in bed, not willing to get out. When he does get out of bed, he walks out of his room and into the bathroom.

 

        He always ends up with blood dripping down his wrists and on to the bathroom tile. Regret ties his stomach in knots. He calls Jared in a panic.

 

       Jared ends up on Connor’s bathroom floor clean out the many cuts that litter Connor’s wrists. They fall asleep together cuddled on Connor’s bed.

 

_ in a world full of people _

 

       Sometimes Jared forgets himself. He's so caught up in everyone else that he neglects to take care of himself. Connor often needs to remind him of these things. One particular time this happened sticks with Jared to this day.

 

_ you can lose sight of it all  _

 

       “Jared, when's the last time you ate a full meal?” Jared looks down in shame.

 

       “I- I don't know Connor,” Jared says, picking at his hands nervously. Connor takes both of Jared’s into his.

 

       “Hey, baby, let's not do that, okay? I just wanna make sure you're doing okay. How come you haven't been eating?” Connor’s voice is soft. It's nothing like Jared has ever heard before. 

 

       “I forget sometimes,” Jared says. Connor has worry spelled out over his face. Jared feels awful, like he brings Connor down. Jared gets up to leave, taking his hands out of Connor’s.

 

      “I'm sorry, I just-” Connor stops him from getting up by intertwining their hands again.

 

       “Jared, c’mon, sit back down,” so, Jared sits back down. Connor looks him in the eyes. Jared has tears in his eyes, ready to spill over like an overfilled glass. He darts his eyes away as soon as they meet Connor’s. 

 

       “Jared, babe, you don't need to apologize. I'm not mad, I promise. I just worry sometimes. I love you, J,” Connor says reassuringly,  wiping Jared’s tears off his face. Jared gives him a watery smile, and presses their lips together.

 

_ and the darkness inside you can make you feel so small. _

 

       There are times where Connor will lay in bed for days on end, eating only once a day, and completely abandoning going to school.

 

       He'll be so close to just leaving it all behind, even Jared. He feels like they'd be better without him. He, however, doesn't have the energy to get out of bed.

 

        When he lays there in bed, everything feels so big. Like the world is something he could never take on. He feels so small.

 

       He never calls or texts anyone in these times. When Jared doesn't see him or hear from him for a few days, he knows to go to Connor’s house to check up on him.

 

       Connor won't ever be okay when Jared comes to check on him. Despite this, his heart still swells up when Jared walks in his room with worried plastered on his face.

 

_ show me a smile then _

 

       Jared often has a hard time showing his true self to people. He puts a fake face on for everyone.

 

       It took Jared a long time to open up to Connor. He thought Connor was just pitying him and didn't actually care. After about four months, Jared’s walls finally started to crumble. He showed Connor his emotional side for the first time, and Connor couldn't be happier.

 

        Jared always seems so happy. Always laughing and smiling. Connor knew better, however. Jared’s smiles and laughs were fake and laced with insecurities. He was always so unhappy.

 

        It took even longer for Connor to see Jared’s real smile. Six months from when they first became friends, the two go on their first date. 

 

        In a small ice cream shop Jared has never heard of, he shows his real smile. Connor tells some dumb joke, and Jared laughs. Not his snarky and insecure laugh. A real, genuine laugh. It's the most beautiful thing Connor has ever heard.

 

_ dont be unhappy  _

 

__ Happiness is Connor’s hardest emotion. He doesn’t know how to express it. At the beginning of his and Jared’s friendship, this was an issue. It almost caused them to break off.

 

       “Connor, why the hell haven't you been talking to me?” Jared is pissed. He thought they were friends. Connor sighs. He figured just to be honest right off the bat. 

 

       “Jared every time I'm around you I feel… weird. I don't know what it is. I've never felt like this before. It's like I don't have anything to worry about. I actually like being around you, and it scares me,” Connor says in a rush. Jared looks at him in shock.

 

       “Connor what do you mean?” Jared is genuinely confused.

 

       “Jared, you make me really happy and I haven't felt that way in a really long time,” Connor explains. Jared smiles and hugs Connor.

 

       “You make me happy, too, Murphy,” Jared says.

 

_ cant remember when i last saw you laughing _

 

       Connor could go days without laughing or smiling. He'll just feel so numb. All of the remarks people make will no longer sting. They just go right through him.

 

        Jared tries his best when this happens. He gives Connor things to make him happy, watches his favorite movie with him, and cooks his favorite meal. It makes him a little happy, and that's all Jared could ask for. Seeing Connor smile after days of not is the best thing. 

 

       Breaking Jared from a spell similar to that, however, is much harder. Jared pushes away anyone who tries to help him, even Connor. It takes at most a week for him to stop pushing everyone away. When Connor talks to him, Jared is an emotional mess.

 

        He is the opposite of Connor in periods like this. Jared will feel a mix of several emotions. One thing is solid during these times, and it's that he's rude to everyone. He doesn’t mean to be, really. He just wants people to leave him alone.

 

        Connor is the only person who can help him out of this. Before Connor and him got close, he would just saunter in rage, sadness, and regret for weeks.

 

_ this world makes you crazy, and you’ve taken all you can bear _

 

       Other people will taunt Connor relentlessly some days, and it drives his confidence so low.

 

       “Freak,” someone says at least once a day, pushing him hard. He tries to brush it off, but getting called a freak everyday really wears him down.

 

       “Fucking psycho,” people mutter when walking past him.

 

       “Just kill yourself already,” people snarl, and one day Connor has enough. He hears someone say that under their breath and sneaks out one of the back doors of the school.

 

        He goes to his car and drives to an old bridge that nobody uses anymore. He sits at the edge of it, thoughts overflowing his mind. All the remarks people make, all of the hurt he's caused. He stands up. He's doing it, he's decided. He holds his arms out and takes a deep breath. 

 

       “Connor! What the hell?” Jared yells angrily. Connor doesn't turn back to look at him.

 

       “Jared, unless you want to see me do this, you need to leave,” Connor says calmly.  Jared scoffs. Connor feels a pair of arms wrapping around him and pulling him off the edge of the bridge. Connor turns around and collapses into Jared’s arms.

 

 

  * __-__



 

 

       Jared and Connor may not have the best lives, maybe not the best relationship. But they have each other, and that's all that seems to matter. It's the two of them against the world

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! i love you guys


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